Halfway Gone

I leave to MSUB in a week...June 27th.
School ends on June 24th.
*sigh
I have 3 days to enjoy before I'm off to school AGAIN.

I'm counting down the days but I don't understand why I'm counting them down. It has never really mattered to me that I was leaving. Doesn't really matter who I'm leaving. They'll still all be here when I come back. But if they aren't, it's okay; people always leave.
There really isn't a point to this blog except to type out all the things that are spinning around my mind at the moment as I sit here on the couch watching TV with my dad.

I'll miss my dad. I know that for sure. One thing I've always admired about myself is my ability to not get too over-attached to people. Because most people that I know are inconsistent. But right now, I'm starting not to like the fact that I can't show compassion or sympathy for those I love.

Yeah...those I love.

State of Mind

"Keep trying to be happy."

That was the most perfect thing anyone could say to me.
try
Not "have a great day!" or something generic like that.
But "try." What a more perfect thing to say.

That is something I'll never forget and will always appreciate.

<3

Cocoon

She has me wrapped around her finger...by force. It astounds me how much power my mother actually has. These days I'm actually getting to a point where I don't even want to call her mother but identify her by a more suited name: Dolores. There is something about when I describe Dolores that the word "mother" stings inside of me. Almost the way "love" makes me cringe, but the only difference is I have more tolerance for "love" (I'm even starting to come around to it).

Even my brothers no longer call her mom but instead a more joking nickname, Dores. It was really funny when they made it up, but it only reflects the way we feel about her. The way I feel about her. The way despite the fact that I have a remote sense of caring for her, she has this way of making me feel so damn small. She is so insecure, it insults me. She cries so much, it insults me. She is so sensitive and so prone to lashing out at us, it insults me.

And yet she's thinks she's the reason this family is so close...

...yeah, cause we all have to stick together to defend ourselves from you.

I'm trying figure out how our relationship will be like when I go off to college. Hopefully distant, not just physically, but in every sense of the word.

I need to get out of this cocoon she forcibly has me wrapped around.

It Was a Good Day

"Self analyzation is the worst thing a person can do to themselves."

My name is Amy Lopez. I am not bitter, but I don't find happiness very easily. I hardly smile and when I do, it makes the others smile around me. I tend to forget people care about me. Skeptical should be my middle name. Being inhuman to human beings is my specialty; I can't ever be nice without throwing in an insult on the side (the exception of this is always Jackie, of course). I am a person who definitely knows what they want in the future...but only if it doesn't involve anyone or emotions. Emotions make me cringe, both in front of people as well as in my own mind. My name is Amelia Lopez..and I have a long way to go.

*Whew.

Whew

It hurts to smile.

But I'm willing to take the pain.

Life is not what I expected it to be.

An Ode to Those That Are Here

I've never done this before. Then again, I don't think I ever will. But I feel the necesity to do it now.

Before I say anything though..let it be known that Jaclyn Anne Dy and Elcar Gil are and forever will be my best friends.

But over the course of this year, I've met more people than I could ever imagine. A majority of them I know are just a phase-- I won't see them or ever really care about them after high school. 

...But there are others, a few significant others, that I have befriended and that for the most part (although I'm not one to get overly attached) hope to have in some shape, way or form still existing in the future that is in store for me. 
They are the ones I feel will still be there in the long run. The ones that even when I criticize them or have my bitchy attitude, can still see that I am a person to depend on. It amazes me that people like me sometimes--but these people make me feel that although I have a few parts of me to smooth out, I'm okay the way I am.

And so I thank Eileen Regina Roman, Benjamin Vargas, Jose Salvatierra, Steph Jimenez, Geo Hernandez, Gaby del Real, Eric Nunez, and Alex Castillo.

I thank them for accepting me.

It's Always Have and Never Hold

A: "Do you have anything to say?"

A: "No, Just that I'm going to miss you."

It's been two days since he left. Two days since I last saw him. I'm not going to be over-dramatic and say life has been empty not having him around, cause it hasn't. If anything, it's given me a chance to catch up on some things. I am able to get home and do my homework. I finally was able to hang out with Jackie & talk to her in a way I feel I haven't in a long time. I missed Jackie. I missed talking to her. And I know she misses me as much as I miss her because I see the smile she gets when I run up to hug her. 

I've had time to talk to her, which makes me feel almost complete. I can work out now without having to worry about time. I even had the time to clean my whole room today. My brothers are amazed that they can finally see the carpet in our room and that their clothes is folded. 

This might sound weird, but as I clean the room, I feel a few moments of perfect isolation. That feeling of being alone but not feeling lonely; it's something beautiful. It allows me to open my mind as I fold the clothes, as I vacuum, as I slowly finish hanging the last item of clothes. And as I stood there doing all this housework, I began thinking of him. I began to realize that Alex Castillo has done so much for me and expressed so much to me in a way that no one else has. He is ridiculously nice to me. He deals with my bitchy-ness and tries to find any moment he can to hang out with me.

I still don't know where I'm going with him. I know now that I love him as a friend; I have yet to fall IN love with him (like I said before, I'm not sure I want to) but I do know that for the time being, we'll be okay.

I hung out with him pretty much the entire Spring Break-- take off a few days and I'm glad I did that. 

It made it easier to say goodbye...for now.

But I still believe It was too soon...

A: "You're going to be on my mind the entire time."

A: "Liar."

A: "Don't believe me then."

A: "Okay I won't."