This World's an Ugly Place

This kid. This kid right here. Yeah, after so many months of constant emotional struggle and paranoia, I can honestly say that I love him. It feels nice to be able to say that. As I told him today, I love him "with all my slowly growing heart."

As we approach a full year of being together, I feel the same reaction as I have been getting from Celeny, Eileen and the countless other people I've told. HOW THE FUCK WAS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE? How did I--an emotionally challenge, cynical, sarcastic girl--end up with this nice, friendly, awkward guy who acts like a little kid? And to that, I have no answer. It was an act of random events and it isn't until now that I truly know the meaning of the saying: "The best of things come up unexpectedly."

He came out of nowhere. I had no idea who he was. And now, he's someone I don't want to forget. Someone I never want to leave my life.

We're two very unusual people. We're interesting together. But I do enjoy the time we have. He's made me open myself up unlike I've ever done before. I've cried in front of him..which is more than I can say about people I've known for years. The wall I had created, the impression of love that I had created inside my head because of my mother and past flings: these were diminished because of him.

And I could go on and on about all the things I've enjoyed through this year. The walks we've had, the time I spent the whole day with him at Relay For Life, the good old summer days at the beach, the hours we would spend at the park, hanging out with Eileen at her house and the countless movie nights we've had at my house. I could banter on and on about how much comfort and feeling I get when he's laying on my lap and I stroke his hair--that weird tingling in my stomach of knowing how strong my feelings have gotten in the course of 365 days.

I mean, I COULD say all that, but it's not my style to spill my guts ;)

So point blank, here it is:
Two years ago, during my sophomore year I met a boy who had an insane amount of facial hair. I had no idea who he was.

Three months later I kissed him for the first time in the gym and realized I liked him.

In January of 2010, he became my boyfriend.

And practically one year later, I am proud to say I truly love Alex Castillo.

Yeah, Amy Lopez is in love. Who would've thought? <3

"So here I am. I'm trying. So here I am. Are you ready?"

Pause For A Moment

I don't love him as much as I love Jackie. Nor do I care about him as much as I care about Elcar or more, importantly, as much as I love my brothers.
But I do care about him.
For the most part, he always is happy to see me. He may not talk a lot but he always seems like he's trying to see the good in everything and because of that, I respect him that much more. I've only been mad at him twice in the whole time that I've known him (including the times we were just friends). He enjoys to hear me laugh, I enjoy to see him smile. He catches me watching him sometimes but that is only because I'm so interested into what he has to say. I make him talk because what he says matters to me.


The future is indefinite to me, but I know now that no matter where I go, no matter if we're together or just friends, Alex Castillo will remain in my life. I'll try hard to keep him there.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

May 25, 1966
November 14, 1972
April 25, 1990
August 2, 1990
March 1990
May 26, 1993
May 27, 1993

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You
You are the light
That's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this

You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
When You take my breath away
Would You take me in take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything

My perception of Love is so fucked up.
I heard this song only yesterday and it hit me so weird.
Mainly because it hits me in a way I'm absolutely certain no one else feels.
I don't think of a person whose broken my heart or shit like that, I just think of the headaches that Love must bring to people. I have so many questions, so much confusion pops into my head. This isn't like Calculus or any other subject where I know if I use certain strategies, it'll be easy. I can't master this whole thing. It confuses me so much, that this is the only problem I refuse to solve. I don't want to solve it. The answers are no good. Frustration kicks in and then I get mad.

Old habits die hard.

Sleep On, Dream On

I clearly remember the last time I felt this way. It was the day before my Disneyland trip in the 8th grade. I couldn't sleep all night, just contemplating about all the events that were going to happen the next day: some events actually came true, while others were merely fantasies I wanted to happen but knew would never occur in a thousand years.

I leave to MSUB in less than 8 hours. I have all my things packed; everything I need is set. But I just can't go to sleep. I keep thinking over and over again that maybe I can call or text Linh and say "Oh, I need to REALLY REALLY watch the Mexico game with my family because it's the World Cup and I won't have the opportunity ever again." And she'll reply with: "Of course. Family comes first.." but I know this is merely a fantasy in my head.
I know I'm privileged to be accepted into this program. I know that this will be an experience most people don't ever get a chance to take part in. I know that I am very lucky for this to happen to me.
I just wish I had more time....But who am I kidding? That's just another fantasy I know won't ever come true. There's never enough time. Alex gave me his beanie the other day to "hold on to." I was suppose to return it to him today. I'm taking it to MSUB with me. I hope he doesn't mind.
I'm missing the Mexico game with my family. Man oh man, that makes my head hurt every time I say it aloud. This only happens every Four Years. I'm hurting inside right now just knowing that I won't be in the living room with my family, watching the most important game of this tournament with them. Mexico v. Argentina. Round of 16 game in the 2010 South Africa Fifa World Cup.

But I know I'll enjoy my time at MSUB..at least I hope I do.

Bittersweetness all around. For everyone.

"A Month and A Half...A Month and A Half....A Month and A Half..."
Why Do You Keep Repeating It?
"I don't know...it keeps coming into my mind."

Pshhh..You and me both kidd <3

Halfway Gone

I leave to MSUB in a week...June 27th.
School ends on June 24th.
*sigh
I have 3 days to enjoy before I'm off to school AGAIN.

I'm counting down the days but I don't understand why I'm counting them down. It has never really mattered to me that I was leaving. Doesn't really matter who I'm leaving. They'll still all be here when I come back. But if they aren't, it's okay; people always leave.
There really isn't a point to this blog except to type out all the things that are spinning around my mind at the moment as I sit here on the couch watching TV with my dad.

I'll miss my dad. I know that for sure. One thing I've always admired about myself is my ability to not get too over-attached to people. Because most people that I know are inconsistent. But right now, I'm starting not to like the fact that I can't show compassion or sympathy for those I love.

Yeah...those I love.

State of Mind

"Keep trying to be happy."

That was the most perfect thing anyone could say to me.
try
Not "have a great day!" or something generic like that.
But "try." What a more perfect thing to say.

That is something I'll never forget and will always appreciate.

<3

Cocoon

She has me wrapped around her finger...by force. It astounds me how much power my mother actually has. These days I'm actually getting to a point where I don't even want to call her mother but identify her by a more suited name: Dolores. There is something about when I describe Dolores that the word "mother" stings inside of me. Almost the way "love" makes me cringe, but the only difference is I have more tolerance for "love" (I'm even starting to come around to it).

Even my brothers no longer call her mom but instead a more joking nickname, Dores. It was really funny when they made it up, but it only reflects the way we feel about her. The way I feel about her. The way despite the fact that I have a remote sense of caring for her, she has this way of making me feel so damn small. She is so insecure, it insults me. She cries so much, it insults me. She is so sensitive and so prone to lashing out at us, it insults me.

And yet she's thinks she's the reason this family is so close...

...yeah, cause we all have to stick together to defend ourselves from you.

I'm trying figure out how our relationship will be like when I go off to college. Hopefully distant, not just physically, but in every sense of the word.

I need to get out of this cocoon she forcibly has me wrapped around.