An Ode to Those That Are Here

I've never done this before. Then again, I don't think I ever will. But I feel the necesity to do it now.

Before I say anything though..let it be known that Jaclyn Anne Dy and Elcar Gil are and forever will be my best friends.

But over the course of this year, I've met more people than I could ever imagine. A majority of them I know are just a phase-- I won't see them or ever really care about them after high school. 

...But there are others, a few significant others, that I have befriended and that for the most part (although I'm not one to get overly attached) hope to have in some shape, way or form still existing in the future that is in store for me. 
They are the ones I feel will still be there in the long run. The ones that even when I criticize them or have my bitchy attitude, can still see that I am a person to depend on. It amazes me that people like me sometimes--but these people make me feel that although I have a few parts of me to smooth out, I'm okay the way I am.

And so I thank Eileen Regina Roman, Benjamin Vargas, Jose Salvatierra, Steph Jimenez, Geo Hernandez, Gaby del Real, Eric Nunez, and Alex Castillo.

I thank them for accepting me.

It's Always Have and Never Hold

A: "Do you have anything to say?"

A: "No, Just that I'm going to miss you."

It's been two days since he left. Two days since I last saw him. I'm not going to be over-dramatic and say life has been empty not having him around, cause it hasn't. If anything, it's given me a chance to catch up on some things. I am able to get home and do my homework. I finally was able to hang out with Jackie & talk to her in a way I feel I haven't in a long time. I missed Jackie. I missed talking to her. And I know she misses me as much as I miss her because I see the smile she gets when I run up to hug her. 

I've had time to talk to her, which makes me feel almost complete. I can work out now without having to worry about time. I even had the time to clean my whole room today. My brothers are amazed that they can finally see the carpet in our room and that their clothes is folded. 

This might sound weird, but as I clean the room, I feel a few moments of perfect isolation. That feeling of being alone but not feeling lonely; it's something beautiful. It allows me to open my mind as I fold the clothes, as I vacuum, as I slowly finish hanging the last item of clothes. And as I stood there doing all this housework, I began thinking of him. I began to realize that Alex Castillo has done so much for me and expressed so much to me in a way that no one else has. He is ridiculously nice to me. He deals with my bitchy-ness and tries to find any moment he can to hang out with me.

I still don't know where I'm going with him. I know now that I love him as a friend; I have yet to fall IN love with him (like I said before, I'm not sure I want to) but I do know that for the time being, we'll be okay.

I hung out with him pretty much the entire Spring Break-- take off a few days and I'm glad I did that. 

It made it easier to say goodbye...for now.

But I still believe It was too soon...

A: "You're going to be on my mind the entire time."

A: "Liar."

A: "Don't believe me then."

A: "Okay I won't."

Life Unexpected

Holy shit.

No puede ser.

But it is..

I am happy.

And feeling a lot like love.

Ay Dios.

Realization

"What do I say?" 

You should never get to close to someone. It is almost like receiving a house that you have on rent. You feel so comfortable and so relaxed in such a confined area, that you almost forgot the realization that this area is not yours. That if you don't provide the right amount of contribution, you'll lose it and have to find a new area of comfort. And really...who wants to go through so much trouble constantly finding new comforts? Better to just remain homeless.

Ugh..People always leave. -_-

Odd

"Amy, why are you always the sober one?"

I laughed when he said that, but that question made me get locked up in my head for a few minutes. 

It's been nearly nine months since I last got drunk. It's been such a long time, I can't even remember what it's like to feel drunk. Needless to say, it's not something that I'm scared of. I think it would actually be pretty comical for others and myself to see me drunk. But I know that I'll approach drinking differently since the last time I was drunk and because of that, I feel that I have approached everything else differently for that matter.

My life has completely changed since that last drinking incident. It went from completely confused and emotionally retarded to..well, still emotionally retarded, but not so much confused. I had a feeling of self-pride as I walked yesterday. 

I feel like I'm finding a balance about everything. 

Now all I have to learn to do is be a little bit more compassionate..but then again...that's an entirely different story. 

Don't Panic

"We live in a beautiful world.."

There is a point in which anger can get the best of people. 

If I ever get to that point, I know I won't be satisfied. 

I have yet to fully understand the motives that cause people to do the things they do.

Ambivalence is bliss.

A Quick Moment of Happiness

I missed my boyfriend today. It was an internal shock as well as a shock to him. I realized I'm pretty mean to him. For the first time since I said yes, I talked to someone about him in full depth. We were walking through Chinatown when I started walking next to Kenneth. I don't know how we got to it but I began describing my boyfriend.

...And I realized how happy I was when I talked about him.

It's not love. I know it isn't. But it's nice--this feeling that I have. It makes me feel good. I am mean to him (I actually am) and yet, he still finds it in himself to just be really nice to me. And it is so strange and almost unbelievable how nice he is to me. So today when he asked me "Miss me?" and I replied with "I actually do." We both were left in awe. I don't know where I am going with him, but for now, I'm enjoying this very small but very much appreciated moment of happiness.

"hahaha not my problem ;-)"