My Green Pitch

I came on blogger today and realized my mind is too caught up in all these mishaps at home. Although that's rather normal, we all have different worlds we live in within our front doors that others only hear about but never experience. And although I do tend to bitch, moan, and whine about so many complications in my life, there's much of it that I rather enjoy. 

Soccer, evidently, is one of them. That green pitch, those goals post, and of course, that captivating ball, they all form this triangular balance in my life that make me just relax. 

Soccer to me is something more than just kicking a ball between two posts. It enriches my life in ways I can't describe. My green pitch. I don't know what I'd do without it. <3 

There's Fire At Both Ends

"Parents are douchebags..."

The more drawn I make myself to better understand my dad or--more importantly--my mom, I am always constantly reminded why this choice is obviously wrong. Today was a great example of that. They got into another one of their very peachy fights where everything goes. They don't care who's around. The closest one is always drawn in. My dad refuses to talk while my mom just follows him like she has a string connected to him that won't let her do otherwise. I don't blame him for not talking. My mother has a habit of not being able to handle the truth. She also always has a way of toying things around so it seems as if he is the one doing the wrong. And despite the fact that my dad isn't looking for the fight, despite the fact that he just wants to satisfy her with half of the truth so she won't go crazy, despite the fact that my brothers and I are my dad's only friends (he constantly tells us how we're his best friends) and she has all the friends in the world--my aunt next door, my aunt down the street, her friends at work--despite all that, she still continues to kick him out of the house. Because that's the best way things can get better. 

What angers me more is the fact that yesterday her and I had this talk about how she wants very badly for my father and I to have a stable relationship. She kept going on and on about how glad she is that him and I are so close. That him and I can go to downtown together; I don't get bored when he takes me to work with him. She is so happy all this is happening.

No, mom. The truth is you hate it. You hate every second of it. You hate that I call him my friend. Your insecurities get the best of you & you feel compelled to take him away so that maybe...just maybe...he won't be around and Mikie, Isaac, Kikan--and most of all--me, will have no other choice but to come to you. There's only one problem. The more you do that. The more you push my dad away by saying he's poisoning us, the more I lose faith in you. 

And I know this is wrong. There's no denying that he does tell us to lie. But I see why he tells us to lie and I agree with that.

But my father has as much blame in it as well. There's fire at both ends, I know that. When he tells us that we'll be okay without her, that we'll work it out, him and I, and then the next day he goes to her, telling her "Let's talk. I want to work it out with you," that is what pisses me off about my dad. What's the point of making my brothers and I go through moments of passionate sadness only for them to turn it around for us yet again?

And though my dad does have some blame, my mother always ends up taking the cake for these predicaments. Either way, they both get me mad.

"Your mom & my dad should go bowling..." 

Butterfly Kisses

There's two things I know for sure.
She was sent here from heaven,
and she's Daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night, she talks to Jesus,
and I close myeyes.
And I thank God for all the joy in my life,Oh, but most of all, for...



Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride.""I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.



Sweet sixteen today,
She's looking like her Mama a little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings out in a great big world.
But I remember...



Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, but if you don't mind,
I'm only going to kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.


All the precious time ... Like the wind, the years go by
Precious butterfly ... Spread your wings and fly



She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride room just staring at her,
she asked me what I'm thinking, and I said "I'm not sure,
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl." Then she leaned over... and gaveme...



Butterfly kisses, with her Mama there sticking little flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy, it's just about time"
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy?" "Daddy, don't cry."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning, and butterfly kisses
I couldn't ask God for more. Man, this is what love is.
I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses...



I have a weird connection to this song. I know it talks about a father and his relationship to his daughter, but everytime I listen to this song....I'm reminded of my mom.



We were both in her room and it was one of those days of pure tranquility. I didn't feel the need to bash her head against the wall and she was respecting the fact that I don't like to be touched or hugged every constant second of the day. She wasn't pushing or criticizing me. I won't ever forget how peaceful that silence was. I didn't feel a need to talk and she wasn't insisting me to. I was just surfing the web when I decided to go on youtube and search some songs. She told me to look up "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle. "This song reminds me of your dad and you," she told me. "Really? Why?" I asked, almost laughing. I had never heard this song before and just by looking at the title, I thought it would be a rather corny song. I began to listen and watch the music video. It wasn't a bad song but it wasn't a great song. Just describing the love a father had for his daughter. I still didn't understand why my mom was making such a big deal about it until I turned around and realized that she was crying. And not little sniffles, but tears dripping down her face so suddenly that it almost looked involuntary. But there was something odd about those tears; she looked sad. And then it hit me...

It wasn't that this song reminded my mom about the love my father and I had, but the love that her and I didn't have. I don't understand at what point in my life that my mom and I stopped having a "mother-daughter" relationship, but that it must've been a very long time ago because I don't really remember us ever having one. I would be lying if I said that seeing her cry didn't affect me. It did. But not the way it should have. Too much has happened.

New Beginning

I knew I wanted to create a blog around August. Although I already have a journal where all my personal thoughts are written, there was something about writing a blog that caught my attention. It wasn't so much a necessity, but a desire. A desire to realize that there are certain aspects of my life I wish to share with the world. Not everything, not everything, I definitely don't want to share everything. But I do believe I have a voice and even if that does sound a bit cliche', it's my voice, so hear me.

I have been grounded since July 9, 2009. Today was my "release" date. It feels very weird being outside. Almost like I don't belong. Like I should hold back and stay inside for just one more day, until I am fully ready. I know that at school today everyone around was cheering with me saying "Yay! No more house arrest!" But I felt bad. I felt scared. Maybe I'll make the same mistakes again. Maybe I'll do something worse. Then again, maybe I'll prosper. Maybe this time, things will get better.

These past three months spent inside haven't been the worst, but they certainly have not been the best. As I was talking about it with Eileen earlier, you can say that I got a little crazy. I read so many books and got all my homework done earlier than imagined. (But of course, that was a silver lining, seeing as I'm excelling in my APUSH class). Things were very lonely during those three months, especially since I was grounded during the summer. And the fact that everyone in my family was ashamed of me and was ignoring me made it even worse. There was a point during the summer where I seriously considered myself to be completely alone. Completely isolated. As if everyone hated me. I didn't blame them though. I had gotten drunk and basically smacked my parents in the face. I had disappointed my parents before so I wasn't really sweating that. What made me realize that I had extremely fucked up was the fact that Mikie was ignoring me. I had hit rock bottom at that point.

Not talking to him was surreal. I had never had a moment in my life where HE had ignored me. At first I was being stubborn and was equally mad at him. He had fucked up at my age, sometimes even worse. Shouldn't he sympathize with me? But big brothers aren't meant to sympathize, they're meant to discipline, even worse than parents. Eventually of course he forgave me, but the silence has left a permanent mark.

Since school started, the time has been going by faster. And the fact that my soccer season is during the fall makes this freedom feel all that much more beautiful.
Let's just hope I don't do anything to screw up this chance I'm getting.....